$75 Squirrel Proof Bird Feeder

A few months ago, I went to a fancy bird store in Highland Park, the wealthy part of Dallas. It's the kind that sells gourmet bird seed and bird mansions instead of bird houses. Everything in the store was ridiculously expensive, but I found a bird feed that I liked that seemed reasonably priced. It was a tube on end with a little dish attached at the bottom and four half-oval holes cut in the tube with a little peg sticking out of each hole for the bird to stand on while eating. It also had a round hood, that looked like a half globe, resting on top. I couldn’t tell what the hood was for, but I decided to buy the bird house anyway. The only price tag on the feeder said $15, about $50 less than anything else in the store.

My little house in the country has an abundance of song birds, and I feed them. In fact, it's one of the first things I do when I arrive--adjust the HVAC, give the dogs food and water, fill the bird feeders. For the longest time, I only had one feeder. This new one would make two.

By the time I made my way to the register, there were four other customers behind and one person at the counter next to me. As the attendant rang up my purchase he looked at me and said, “That’s $75.” My mind raced. Seventy-five dollars? Is he talking to me?

“You have a squirrel problem, heh?” he asked.

“A what?” I answered.

“A squirrel problem. You’re buying a squirrel proof feeder. I just assumed….”

“Oh, a squirrel problem,” I said a little too forcefully. “ Yes, yes. Got a watch those pesky little buggers.” But in my head I was putting it all together. The squirrle-proof bail was $15, the whole contraption was $75, although not marked anywhere.

I could have stopped right there, and told him the truth, that I had made a mistake, that I had never seen a single squirrel at our country house, and that there was no way in hell I was paying $75 for a bird feeder. But this was snooty Highland Park, and suddenly I felt very cheap, so I just kept my mouth shut, paid the money, and walked out.

For the first few visits to the country house, I saw no birds on the new "$75 squirrel-proof bird feeder." I even told my partner that I hung the $75 squirrel-proof bird feeder and no birds were coming. I called my mom and asked her if there was anything I was doing wrong with my $75 squirrel-proof bird feeder, and she said no. Everyone in our life started jokingly calling it the $75 squirrel-proof bird feeder. But I secretly resented it every time I saw it in the cedar tree, out the French doors, just ont he other side of the deck.

Finally, on about my fifth visit, I noticed seed missing from the feeder, and finally, I saw cardinals and Spanish dove and red finches gorging themselves at the $75 squirrel proof bird feeder.

Then one day I saw a squirrel, the first squirrel I had ever seen on the property, and it was on the limb one over from the limb on which was hanging my $75 squirrel-proof bird feeder. I watched as he sat there eyeing the seeds, and I suddenly felt insightful and smart having purchased this $75 squirrel-proof bird feeder. WHo knew? I was confident he could not possible reach the seed, but just in case, I decided to cut the limb off on which the squirrel rested. I thought that was the end of it. Even though I now knew there were indeed squirrels on the property, I had my $75 squirrel-proof bird feeder, and I was set.









I was wrong.












Yes, this is one of the more exciting things that has happened to me on Sabbatical.